Silent Grief

I have lost a lot of people in my life.  There are a few deaths that I wasn’t sure I would survive because of the grief, the heartache, anxiety and depression that came with it. It was unbearable.

I lost my brother seven years ago.  He was 46, married to his high school sweetheart, they  had a son and three grandchildren.  He was murdered.  He was shot with a buckshot shotgun twice.  He had 24 entrance wounds.  He died instantly.  My nephew had to witness his Dad being shot.  My nephews friend was shot in the back as he was trying to run away.  He survived thankfully.  My nephew is lucky to be alive.  The man that did this is walking free.  He did not spend one minute in jail.  The kind of grief I have experienced since he died is by far the worst.  I am still grieving.  I know that it’s been harder because there was no closure.  He died violently.  There was no justice served, which I believe may have given me and my family some kind of closure.  How can we have closure when the person responsible for killing my brother got away with it?  I still have so much anger over this.  This man killed my brother and so many lives were affected by it.  So many lives were forever changed.  His life remained the same.  My nephew will forever be traumatized from seeing his father killed.  Every time I see him my heart breaks.  He has this sadness in his eyes that kills me.  My sister in law I don’t think will ever remarry.  He was the love of her life.  My brother was so much fun.  Everyone loved him.   He was very charming. My heart is still broken and I miss him so much.  He was the only person that could make me laugh no matter how depressed, mad or upset I was.  Even if I was mad at him, he could make me laugh.  He was my older brother, so he was also overly protective of me.  I hated it at the time because he never liked any guy that I dated.  He didn’t think anyone was good enough for me.  ♥  It is still as hard today as it was seven years ago.  There are days my heart hurts for him.  It will hit me out of nowhere some days.  I do feel like I am dying on the inside from the hurt.  I thank God I have my son.  He has really helped me get through this.  He is my whole heart and he needs his mother.  If I didn’t have a child, I do not know what I would have done.  I honestly feel it would not have been good.

I lost my maternal grandmother and my mother eighteen years ago, within nine months of each other.  I was 24.  I had to watch my grandmother die from cancer and then nine months later my mother unexpectedly had a heart attack.  She had two surgeries, but she passed away two days later.  Losing my mother changed my family.  She was the one who kept us all together.  I know that is common, but you don’t seem to realize it until it’s gone.  I am the youngest of 5 children, so we have a big family.  Our family traditions stopped.  Now we only get together as a family once at Christmas.  Even then not everyone goes.  We still love each other, we just aren’t the close-knit family that we once were.  I miss that so much.  I miss our family traditions.  I still need my mom.  I hate that my she wasn’t here when I was pregnant and when I had my son.  I wanted her here so bad.  I know she sees him.  I know all my loved ones see him.

I have come to the point that I cannot handle deaths.  I have dealt with so many  already.  It has taken such a toll on me.  I rarely go to funerals.  I can’t handle seeing all the heartbroken  people, knowing how all their lives will change.   We all grieve differently and there is no time limit on how long the grieving will last.  I feel I will grieve for my brother the rest of my life.

I still have to live my life and be grateful for the family and friends that are still here with me.  I definitely have learned that life is short and to never take that for granted.  Our lives can change in an instant.  ❤✞❤

5 Ways to Help Someone Who’s Grieving

Unfortunately I have lost a lot of very important people in my life.   I remember the things people did for me to help me through the difficult times.  One that stands out is when I lost my mother.  I was 24 and lived in an apartment at the time.  My mother had passed away out of town.  When my family and I came back to town I went directly to my Dads house.  My neighbor brought my dog to my dads house because he knew I missed him and needed to see him.  I was single at that time in my life and my dog was like my child.   It meant a lot to me.  It will always mean a lot.

This article has some good ideas and great advice.  via 5 Ways to Help Someone Who’s Grieving.

When someone we love hurts from grief, it's difficult to know what to do. It's important not to let any hesitance keep us from doing anything at all.

Life is not what we pictured

I saw this saying a few years ago and what it says hits right at home with me. I definitely did not picture my life to be what it is.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for, but I have also had to go through some things that I would have never imagined having to go through.  Some of them I am still dealing with. 

When I started this blog a little over a year ago I had planned on writing more about my life and my journey so far.  I have a lot I want to share, I guess I am still a little nervous about writing it and also not sure where to start.  I’ve really enjoyed reading other blogs that are the type of blog I am aiming for.  I have read a lot of interesting stories that I can personally relate to.  I thought this would be a good place to write about my experiences and have the freedom to say what I want to say and how I want to say it.  Hopefully when I start writing, others will enjoy reading what I have to say.  🙂


I am a griever.

I wish I didn’t relate to what this image says, but I do.  It is amazing how some people can live most of their lives without losing someone close to them and they truly do not understand how it feels.  It changes your life.  Forever.  It changes your family.  It can cause your family to either become closer or drift apart.  It changes everything.

Yes, we move on but we never “get over it”.  We have to learn to accept it, or try to.  Having closure when someone passes away makes the grieving process somewhat easier, but unfortunately there are circumstances when we don’t have closure.

“My reality is forever changed.”


Done with Death (2)

Just a few days ago I wrote about two deaths.  Well, here’s a third. This one hit me hard.  😦

A good friend of mine lost her husband.  He was only 53.  They were high school sweethearts.  I’ve known them for about 20 years.  Both great people and wonderful friends to me.  I’m so sorry for her and her family, kids and grand-kids.

♥ RIP Darren

ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ


ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ † ❤ † ི♥ྀ

Done with Death

Deaths seem to be happening a lot lately.  A good friends father passed away unexpectedly this week.  A guy I went to school with died from the flu.  Another guy I went to school with died when a branch loaded with snow fell on him.  There are about 5 more deaths from the past year.  It seems people are dying at such young ages.  It really concerns me and scares me.

I don’t deal with death well.  I’ve lost a lot of my family to death and lost them too soon.  It changes everything.  Things can change turn your life upside down in the blink of a second.

† ❤ † ❤ † ❤ † ❤ †

You never know
You never know