Silent Grief

I have lost a lot of people in my life.  There are a few deaths that I wasn’t sure I would survive because of the grief, the heartache, anxiety and depression that came with it. It was unbearable.

I lost my brother seven years ago.  He was 46, married to his high school sweetheart, they  had a son and three grandchildren.  He was murdered.  He was shot with a buckshot shotgun twice.  He had 24 entrance wounds.  He died instantly.  My nephew had to witness his Dad being shot.  My nephews friend was shot in the back as he was trying to run away.  He survived thankfully.  My nephew is lucky to be alive.  The man that did this is walking free.  He did not spend one minute in jail.  The kind of grief I have experienced since he died is by far the worst.  I am still grieving.  I know that it’s been harder because there was no closure.  He died violently.  There was no justice served, which I believe may have given me and my family some kind of closure.  How can we have closure when the person responsible for killing my brother got away with it?  I still have so much anger over this.  This man killed my brother and so many lives were affected by it.  So many lives were forever changed.  His life remained the same.  My nephew will forever be traumatized from seeing his father killed.  Every time I see him my heart breaks.  He has this sadness in his eyes that kills me.  My sister in law I don’t think will ever remarry.  He was the love of her life.  My brother was so much fun.  Everyone loved him.   He was very charming. My heart is still broken and I miss him so much.  He was the only person that could make me laugh no matter how depressed, mad or upset I was.  Even if I was mad at him, he could make me laugh.  He was my older brother, so he was also overly protective of me.  I hated it at the time because he never liked any guy that I dated.  He didn’t think anyone was good enough for me.  ♥  It is still as hard today as it was seven years ago.  There are days my heart hurts for him.  It will hit me out of nowhere some days.  I do feel like I am dying on the inside from the hurt.  I thank God I have my son.  He has really helped me get through this.  He is my whole heart and he needs his mother.  If I didn’t have a child, I do not know what I would have done.  I honestly feel it would not have been good.

I lost my maternal grandmother and my mother eighteen years ago, within nine months of each other.  I was 24.  I had to watch my grandmother die from cancer and then nine months later my mother unexpectedly had a heart attack.  She had two surgeries, but she passed away two days later.  Losing my mother changed my family.  She was the one who kept us all together.  I know that is common, but you don’t seem to realize it until it’s gone.  I am the youngest of 5 children, so we have a big family.  Our family traditions stopped.  Now we only get together as a family once at Christmas.  Even then not everyone goes.  We still love each other, we just aren’t the close-knit family that we once were.  I miss that so much.  I miss our family traditions.  I still need my mom.  I hate that my she wasn’t here when I was pregnant and when I had my son.  I wanted her here so bad.  I know she sees him.  I know all my loved ones see him.

I have come to the point that I cannot handle deaths.  I have dealt with so many  already.  It has taken such a toll on me.  I rarely go to funerals.  I can’t handle seeing all the heartbroken  people, knowing how all their lives will change.   We all grieve differently and there is no time limit on how long the grieving will last.  I feel I will grieve for my brother the rest of my life.

I still have to live my life and be grateful for the family and friends that are still here with me.  I definitely have learned that life is short and to never take that for granted.  Our lives can change in an instant.  ❤✞❤

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